


Like A Candle You Burned Out

by gingerbread man (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Don't read this if you're sensitive, I'm having my tonsils out tomorrow so I'm stress writing, Love Confession, Lullabies - All Time Low, M/M, Really blunt gore at one point, Songfic, Suicide, cute but sad, self-hate, suicide note, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 19:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4112926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/gingerbread%20man
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EB: don't let yourself get in over your head.<br/>TG: i wont dude<br/>TG: dont worry about me</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like A Candle You Burned Out

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS A PRODUCT OF MY STRESS WRITING
> 
> I'M STRESSED SO I'VE JUST BEEN WRITING TO KEEP MY MIND AWAY FROM THINKING OF MY TONSILLECTOMY TOMORROW AND OUT POPPED THIS.

EB: dave.

TG: john

EB: what are you doing right now?

TG: talking to you

TG: i knew you were a derp but you arent dumb

EB: are you doing anything else?

TG: no?

TG: why the twenty questions egbert

TG: turning into dadbert this early in your life

EB: hehe. i guess.

EB: just...curious, is all.

EB: rose said you sent her some pretty heavy stuff and i…

EB: i just wanted to make sure you were ok.

TG: fine

TG: rose is my therapist

TG: shes supposed to keep that shit confidential

TG: ill tear her a new one for that

You won’t.

You look away from the bright screen of your monitor for a moment, harshly wiping tears from your eyes. You have to remind yourself that you’re a Strider and Strider’s don’t cry, even when they’re planning to off themselves because their only friends live halfway across the world and everyone else hates them. The messages are piling up when you turn back from scrawling your signature onto the bottom of your note, the one you tuck inside the framed picture of John. You only hope he finds it.

EB: haha, yeah.

EB: you’re ok though, really, right?

EB: dave?

EB: …

EB: dave?

EB: you’re kind of worrying me.

EB: DAVE!

TG: im here im here

TG: i was doing something sheesh bro calm your tits

TG: remember that picture you sent me

EB: um...yes?

EB: well kind of. i sent you a picture?

TG: you dont remember at all

TG: its ok i wouldnt either

TG: it was a few years ago

TG: when you were thirteen

TG: youre wearing that stupid ghostbusters shirt and your glasses are thick rimmed and titled sideways and your hair is windswept and your blue eyes are glowing

TG: literally i think

EB: that’s an odd thing to bring up out of no where, dave.

EB: are you sure you’re ok?

EB: you’re acting weird.

TG: weirder than usual you mean

EB: i guess so.

EB: ...hehe.

TG: youre pretty much the same

TG: well anyway dont forget you sent me that pic k

TG: cause its my favorite of you i got it framed and everything

EB: very funny, dave!

EB: you don’t have a framed picture of me.

TG: wanna bet

TG: whoever took its a fucking pro john

EB: aw, you’re so cute.

He doesn’t mean that, and you wish he did.

Your heart aches. You wish it would split in two, then you wouldn’t be forced to do this yourself. Your body would do it for you; it would sense your pain, and it would shut down after realizing “hey, he doesn’t want to live anymore!” but it won’t. You have to do this yourself, and if you back down now you’re giving up a challenge. What kind of Strider would you be if you dropped out of something last minute?

TG: haha you too egbert

EB: but really. you’re ok, right?

TG: youre worse than a mom when her kids sick of course i am john

TG: you dont have to keep asking

EB: ok, ok.

EB: just…

EB: don’t let yourself get in over your head.

TG: i wont dude

TG: dont worry about me

EB: i...ok, i guess.

EB: my dad baked another cake. he’s calling me to come try it, so i should go.

TG: gotcha

TG: enjoy batterwitches food

EB: ew, dave.

EB: gross.

TG: youre too easy man

TG: you know your dad doesnt make you betty crocker anymore

EB: but i hate batterwitch.

EB: we’re never talking about her again.

Soon, you won’t be talking to anyone at all.

TG: fine i wont mention

TG: dramatic music cue

TG: betty crocker

EB: dave!

TG: haha fuck its your fault for being so resentful

EB: my dad just threatened to take away my computer privileges for a week, which can totally not happen. we’re video chatting next week! right?

You forgot about that. Why had you promised something when you couldn’t deliver? You really are an awful person -- it’s a shame, too. John, Rose, and Jade always seemed to like you so much. So why could no one else?

TG: totally

TG: now go get some cake

EB: bluh.

EB: bye, dave!

EB: talk to you tomorrow?

Your vision is cloudy; you’re crying again. You don’t remember starting, but then again, had you ever really been finished? You’re uncertain.

TG: course

TG: bye egbert

EB: cya, dave!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: <3

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

The gun is cold and heavy in your hand. It’s even colder against your temple, freezing even, a stark contrast to the unforgiving Texas heat. You suppose your senses will be gone soon, so it wouldn’t have mattered if the gun had been boiling hot in your hands and against your temple or freezing, as it is. Your finger hovers above the finger and it shakes, because you aren’t sure you can go through with this.

How bad could a life of self-loathing be? Why couldn’t you just suck it up and live this life? You can hate yourself, but you don’t have to make other people hate themselves because you know someone will after this. Someone will blame themselves for your death, whether it be John or Rose or Jade, because they all talked to you and they’ll all think they should’ve realized you were struggling.

Rose had, but she thought you’d vented all of your problems to her and that everything would go back to normal. Jade had, too, but you’d brushed it off everytime she told you there was “definitely something wrong!!” and eventually it had settled. Then John had finally caught on, though you think he might have known about your problem with yourself months ago. But he’s a good person, and he’d never bring up something that you’d be uncomfortable talking about unless he found it mandatory.

Mandatory.

To save you from yourself.

You let out a watery chuckle and turn the safety off. Blue font and red font intermingle on your monitor and light up your entire bedroom in those two colors, and they blend together but they do not form purple, no, they form blue and red together because blue and red were meant for each other, and they are pretty separate but perfect together.

You pull the trigger and splatter your brains all over the wall next to you.

 

* * *

 

okay fuck ive never done anything like this before, so im going to go a little outside of my comfort zone and use punctuation. magical, isnt it? yeah moving on from that bullshit, this is my suicide note or letter or whatever the fuck you want to call it. im not sure whos going to find it first, since bro is pretty clever and he might be able to find it easy as fuck hidden inside of a picture frame. but maybe he wont and it will sit here and fester, and future egbert will find it tucked behind a picture of himself.

well anyway, whoever you are that found this congratulations. you have struck gold my friend, so sit back and enjoy the show. if you arent john egbert though, im afraid youre going to have to show this to him or ill come back and murder you. no shit man (or woman), ill fucking kill you as a badass ghost. by now you know i killed myself and youre probably like “why. what. why.”

baffling, isnt it? ive been wallowing in self pity for months now and only a few people have noticed, but i was pretty good about steering them off track and they never even had a clue. but i guess they will now that im dead. oh well. anyway, yeah, i offed myself because i just hated life. im not sure i was made for life?

that sounds fucking confusing, let me rephrase. i was a waste of space. you know? there are some humans that are just kind of...there, in this world. they wont do anything good but they wont do anything bad, either, and them being alive isnt necessary. im one of those background people. except i got noticed, and p much everyone hated me except for my bro and three people: rose lalonde, jade harley, and john egbert.

except shit, plot twist reader of the letter, they live over halfway across the world from me! all of them. every single one.

so show them this letter, will you? dont be a prick man. show them it.

to rose: ok so your therapy didnt work as well as you thought. dont get mad about that, or sad or whatever your hormones are gonna tell you to do. it isnt your fault, i was doomed from the start and this was gonna happen whether or not you tried to prevent it. you did a good job of prolonging it, though. props. anyway i love you, like that big sister who always prods around in my life and i let her because shes hella chill.

to jade: you always thought i was so cool, chopped-full of self-confidence and all that shit and i guess youre gonna be like “noooo! i was wrong!!!!” but dont. i put up that facade for a long ass time, so it isnt your fault that you believe thats exactly how i was even though it wasnt. keep shooting those guns because damn are you good at it, better than i am because i cant even pick up a gun without going pansy mode. well, sometimes. anyway i love you like a little sister who wont get off my back but is always super cool and love me even though im a dork.

to john: this is the most difficult fucking shit i have ever spilled. im going to be dead and im still having trouble writing this, how fucked up is that? pretty fucked up, if i do say so myself. anyway let me go super sappy on you. youre perfect. thats it ive finally said it, glad i never just accidentally word-vomited it to you. your eyes are beautiful, they are so goddamn blue that it hurts. your hair looks soft and im sad i wont ever get to touch it because damn, why does it even look that gorgeous all messy and shit? and dont even get me started on your smile, because egbert oh my god, your smile. do you even know that it could probably cure cancer and end world wars and shit? because it could.

im fucking sad i never got to see you in person, but it is what it is i guess. dont you go following in my lead after you read this. youre not one of the background people and youre gonna do some awesome ass shit in biology sometime in your life, even though you kind of suck at it right now. youll learn. practice makes perfect, right?

well i need to spit out what im really trying to say, because now im just rambling like the asshole i am and youre probably going “what the fuck dave. dave stop,” so i should probably just fucking say it. im pussyfooting around this and i wont even be alive when you read it, like holy fucking shit.

ok. here goes nothing.

john egbert, i love you. i am in love with you, totally un-ironically of course. youre perfect in every way and i just dont get how like, isnt it against the law in all fifty states to be such a wonderful person while still being so beautiful to boot? sometimes i just wonder why you cant fucking see that. like, you seem to dislike yourself and you like want to be someone else and i just dont get it, becuase youre already the best. theres nothing better than you, egbert.

wow ok, this turned out way longer than i wanted. if theres an afterlife i only hope i can see you someday in it. unless of course i end up in hell and you end up in heaven, then i guess im fucked. (or ill just climb from hell to heaven. scraping my knees is totally worth it for you, john.)

peace out (im not saying sincerely thats fucking stupid)

dave strider

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I'm allowed to read sadstuck and listen to Lullabies by All Time Low.
> 
> I was just feeling in the mood for something sad.


End file.
